Me

I almost called a suicide hotline today.
And then I didn’t because I couldn’t stand,
the thought
of even a trained stranger hearing the pain in my voice.

And what does that say about me?

That I’ll go any distance to avoid upsetting someone
except
actually getting better
or going to work today.

So I can’t stop thinking
That I’ll lose my job
And that I deserve it.
It’s my own fault anyway.
(It’s always my fault)

Reading up depression websites
With every symptom an obvious yes.
Ninety six out of a hundred (of course, never a perfect score).

And what does that say about me?

I am stage four,
Destined to die,
Why even fight it when the odds are never in your favour?

Except I opened this word document,
To write,
a suicide note to my husband
and couldn’t find the words to tell him
that a second person in his life had given up.
So instead I wrote this poem.

Now, what does that say about me?